Remember that episode of Showtime’s Masters of Horror that they decided not to air? The one by Takashi Miike called “Imprint”?

I’ve finally seen it and without a doubt, it is the only episode of that program yet to air that earns its place under the “Masters of Horror” umbrella. Bizarre, beautiful, disturbing, and flat out gross. The only thing that hurts it is the acting, but as there’s not a whole lot of dialogue, it doesn’t hurt that much. It’s also the only episode that feels like a film and not like a TV show.

Check it out.

Finally saw the season ender of “Dexter” last night. Except for one minor plot hole that kind of made the entire ending impossible, this was a real humdinger. A great job all around. I look forward to the next season.

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I’ve been watching “Masters of Horror” but haven’t written about it because it’s been so depressing. I know I need to look at this series a little closer. There’s some serious knowledge to be mined here. But the show is just so boring. I was most disappointed by Brad Anderson’s “Sounds Like”, which could’ve survived at about 30 minutes, but over an hour became a limping journey into the heart of mediocrity.

And that’s what the series is, in general – mediocre. In just about every category. The acting is so-so, the shots are TV-boring… even the sound mix is kinda flat. And the ideas are half-baked.

How about this synopsis from the Showtime site for John Carpenter’s ep “Pro Life”:

A near-accident on an isolated mountain road lands young Angelique (CAITLIN WACHS) in a nearby women’s health clinic. As her fervently anti-abortion father Dwayne (RON PERLMAN) and his well-armed three sons attempt to “liberate” Angelique, she discovers that the only thing more dangerous than her would-be saviors is the demonic seed growing within her.

Where is the hook? Why should I want to watch? Even the accident, the most exciting part of this blurb, is only a NEAR accident. The episode itself gets pretty bloody, but mostly because of the dad, his sons and a lot of guns. At the end, after a long shoot out, the demon baby is delivered, a demon shows up for it and… I can’t remember much past that. Maybe Ron Perlman got eaten by the demon or something.

But so what? Who cares? Where’s the scary? I mean, if you’re doing a gore show, be inventive in your gore! If you’re doing a show based on stories, be inventive in your stories! It’s a great twist to have a pro-life dad demand that his daughter keep her baby, only to have that baby be the devil, but for the love of all that’s holy is it too much to ask that this revelation be a surprise?

You are our Masters of Horror, gentlemen! We need you now more than ever! Just because a character’s guts explode unexpectedly, don’t think that you have found the heart of terror. Reach further! Dig deeper!

Get scary, for Pete’s sake. There are episodes of “30 Rock” that are scarier.

[And I mean it. The one where Liz Lemon choked while alone in her apartment? That idea, funny at the time, stayed with me and freaked me out when my wife was out of town for a couple weeks. I've never showered more carefully.]

You’ve been out-horrored by Tina Fey, you jerks.

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“30 Rock” is totally awesome.

I’ve been watching way more TV than I normal (thanks to the new DVR), but because of a couple of posts over at Kelly Sue’s crib, I realized I could actually put my thoughts on the web. Hmmm. Let’s give this a shot.

Here’s what me and missus have been watching.

GOOD:

• Dexter – This show makes me feel like I’m watching something new. I think it’s great.
• Veronica Mars – Still delivers some of the best dialogue on TV and is probably the best cast on TV, but as Kelly Sue points out, the new theme song blows. Why oh why did they change it?
• 30 Rock – Wait! No! 30 Rock has the best cast on TV. Great. Great great great. Not a single bad episode yet.
• Ugly Betty – I’ve seen only one episode, but it charmed my face off.
• My Name is Earl – A solid laff getter.
• The Office – The same.
• The Nine – Still enjoying it, though there’s nothing groundbreaking here. Still, every week I continue to ask myself “What the hell DID happen in there?”

BAD:

• Weeds – This got downright terrible this year. Unwatchable. I can’t even watch the last episode. What happened?
• Supernatural – Seriously terrible writing and acting. But it’s horror. I can stop. Also, this is one of the shows I was going to try to spec. I was hoping I’d get excited about it, but…
• Lost – It still only attracts because of it’s lingering… what should I call it… Lost-iness? The story couldn’t be more obscure. I’m probably done watching this for the year.
• Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip – Kelly Sue points out that it’s not so hot. She’s right. I can’t stop watching it, though, and I figured out why – I like to see them get into tight production jams and then pull themselves out of it. Really. That’s the only thing I tune in for.

Showtime sure didn’t do horror any favors with last year’s “Masters of Horror” and the second season of “Weeds” just feels aimless (I’m hoping for some sort of natural disaster that leaves Nancy, Conrad, and Andy as the only survivors).

But last night, Showtime really pulled themselves out of the crapper with “Dexter”, their new serial-killer-killing-criminals show. Forgiving some of the unsteadiness that comes with debut episodes, this story is unusually strong. Even the backstory, which is normally Tritesville in stories about serial killers, is GREAT here – it’s touching while also humorously subverting the cliches.

Here’s the idea, straight from the press release:

On the surface, Dexter is good-natured and charming. By day, he is a blood splatter expert who works closely with the homicide division of the Miami Police Department and fastidiously goes about his business of solving murders. His job is the ultimate cover for his real occupation, that of a serial killer, who was taught to harness his lust for blood and murder into killing those who have escaped justice.

Granted, that sounds like a tough story that’s been watered down, what with the whole “taught to harness his lust for blood” stuff, but consider this: the dude REALLY likes to murder folks. He is, let’s not forget, a total loon. This isn’t an examination of what it’s like to really be a sociopathic serial killer. Because… um… who the crap wants to watch “Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer” every week? Or even more than once in a lifetime? And by framing this story with humor, it feels even more out of bounds as the episode progresses.

Dexter has a girlfriend and that story is fascinating. Dexter is being hit on by one of his superiors and that can’t end well. Also, one of the cops he works with is on the verge of figuring him out.

And then the last bit of the first episode, that sets up what this season is going to be about… it’s just damn good.

Check it out.

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Final Girl is doing her annual SHOCKTOBER! thang, in which she watches a movie a day (movies she’s never seen before, mind you) for the entire month and posts her reviews. DO NOT MISS THIS. After stumbling upon the Final Girl site early this year, I went back and read through all of her SHOCKTOBER! reviews from 2005 in about a day, secretly wishing that it was ME watching those movies day in and day out.

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By the way, anybody else out there a big fan of Louis Malle’s “Zazie Dans Le Metro”? I saw it once, at school, and for some reason it’s not available on DVD here in the States, yet. It’s fantastically weird and more than a little bit disturbing in its humor, but I straight up col’ love it. It’s available all over the world, with every region code you can think of, but not here. Why, oh, why?

Criterion, I’m talking to you.

Veronica Mars. Doesn’t have all of the best acting all of the time, but the writing is pretty fantastic and the relationships, the backstory, the week to week stories? Great stuff. It’s on DVD. Watch it.

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As notes slowly begin to trickle in, things are looking pretty good. What’s always disturbing is discovering those parts of the screenplay that I knew were weak but just didn’t fix. Then the notes come in and boom, it becomes obvious. It’s like not putting on your pants and just refusing to look down because you gotta get to work. Then that one jackass always points out that you have no pants on. Thanks, jerk. Maybe I don’t have money for pants, you ever think of that? Glad you never have to go without, Rockefeller. Jerk.

Ahem.

So there’s definitely more re-writing to do, so it’s a good thing that there’s a late deadline September 1st. Let’s see what can be done.

How is it that, since Scream exploded in 1996, we are still drowning in cliched horror movies? I could’ve sworn that was the end of an era. Scream laid bare all of the old trite contrivances, made fun of them, and then scared us in spite of them for one last bloody kick in the teeth.

But now we’re inundated with remakes and sequels – When A Stranger Calls, The Fog, The Amityville Horror, House of Wax, etc. etc. etc. The only scary thing about these movies is the fact that they so blatantly rip off the style of Scream. That they do it so poorly is their own lame, limp-ankled, bloodless kick in the teeth. Really, if your name isn’t Kevin Williamson, then you need to find your own thing to do, because you aren’t going to do Kevin Williamson’s thing better. Not by a long shot.

Now — none of these movies got very far with critics, but then horror movies rarely do. And this is what boggles my mind about Showtime’s terrible ‘Masters of Horror’. Mick Garris, TV mini-series mogul, gathered together 11 other directors who hadn’t done anything remotely scary in 20 years (Stuart Gordon, John Carpenter, Tobe Hoooper) if, in fact, they ever HAD done anything scary (William Malone? Larry Cohen?) and 1 director who could save the day (Takeshi Miike) and set out to create a horror anthology series. From the first episode, it was obvious the ball had been severely dropped. The stories were terrible, the acting was horrendous, and the effects were hokey, to say the least. With the exception of Joe Dante’s ‘Homecoming’ (which, let’s face it, is a comedy), not a single episode went by without making me cringe at one point or another, embarrassed to be in the same room with it.

And that’s why I can’t understand the critical response, which seems to be glowing. Variety, Entertainment Weekly, Hollywood Reporter, and on down the line – even the ones that don’t say it’s a great show at least indicate that this is what horror fans have been waiting for.

So… I turned to the horror fans to see what they thought. Fangoria? Every episode gets three out of five skulls. Bloody Disgusting? Says that Coscarelli’s crapulent first episode “kicked [MoH] off with a bang…”. And so on. Each review left me asking myself – “What am I missing?”

But I waited and I watched, because I knew that Garris had snagged Miike for one of the episodes, so surely someone at MoH HQ had contemporary horror in mind. Someone wanted to change the landscape, right? And so I kept hope alive and stayed tuned.

Then the bomb dropped – Showtime decided not to air Miike’s episode. It was deemed to graphic, apparently. Which sums up what’s wrong with Masters of Horror: it’s a show that, from its inception, has no ambition to push the envelope. It has brought together middle of the road filmmakers, turned out 12 mediocre episodes and, when a story was found that was actually horrifying, they canned it.

What a wasted opportunity.