It’s no April Fools joke, y’all – these are really the movies I watched during March. This is it. The whole kit and kaboodle. No major gems, and looking over them you might think “Well what did you expect?” I guess not much, from myself or from others.

I did other things this month that were a lot of fun, though. Those things just didn’t involve watching movies. So that’s why, I think.

But anyway – here you go.

THE FINAL DESTINATION (2009) – Yeah, everybody panned the crap out of this one, and for pretty good reason. Plenty to complain about, but what I dislike the most here is what made the first couple interesting – if death is coming for them and all, then who keeps giving this kid visions so he can try to stop it? In the case of this sequel, my theory is: the screenwriter, because how else could you build tension? Otherwise, it makes no sense. Which makes it worse than…

YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN (2008) – There were some laughs. And it’s kind of comforting that Sandler hasn’t become all too big for his britches, still making movies on the level of ‘Billy Madison’ and ‘Happy Gilmore’. This is the dumbest premise you’ll see in most places and Sandler definitely attacks it with everything he’s got. But by the end, you just kind of feel like “Alright, already. I get it, I get it.” Which makes it worse than…

(500) DAYS OF SUMMER (2009) – Meh. I don’t know. The conceit of mixing up all the days was smart, because this story would’ve been pretty lousy told in chronological order. But it’s neither heartbreaking enough nor giddy enough to really get under your skin. And I think that’s all it really wants to do. It was fun to watch for the most part, but now, a few weeks later, I don’t really remember much from it. And the world in which it is set is so indie flickish, it’s kind of dispiriting. Which makes it worse than…

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE (2009) – So much badness had already been spilled about this movie I was sure I’d never watch it. Then I caught the first 20 minutes at a friend’s house and thought it wasn’t so bad. Now I’ve caught the other hour and twenty minutes and, well… it wasn’t pretty, the biggest disappointment for a movie like this being that the FX were so terrible. We’re talking TV-grade CG that just made the whole thing feel flimsier than it should’ve. Still, better than ‘X-Men 3′, but that’s not saying much. Which makes it worse than…

PONYO (2009) – I’m a big ol’ lover of Miyazaki movies, but this one didn’t do a whole lot for me. Of course it’s beautifully animated, but the story is just a slight notch above ‘Kiki’s Delivery Service’, which just barely had a story going on. It’s worth the watch for the animation alone, but it’s not really going to take you places. Which makes it worse than…

THE BOX (2009) -So far, all of Kelly’s movies are like half trips to somewhere. With plenty of really neat junk that you’ll probably remember for a really long time, but nothing that actually affects you. Bro has a big head filled with cool ideas. He needs someone to come along in the writing stage and focus it. For realz: The Box has about 10 great starts to 10 great movies. But sadly, for all the subtle CG and thinkering that was thunk, he didn’t manage to improve one iota on the original Twilight Zone episode this was based on. Which makes it worse than…

ARMORED (2009) – A solid, lightweight action movie. I’m glad to see the overly slick slickster slickness of low-budget action movies is gone, now, being replaced by something a little more classical, which means the action isn’t all dizzying cuts that mean nothing. There’s nothing mind-blowing or game-changing here, but it’s a solid, contained action piece. Which makes it worse than…

UP IN THE AIR (2009) – Despite the fact this was nominated for Oscars, it was actually really good! A character study for which only Clooney could’ve possibly been the lead. As everyone has pointed out, it’s a very timely movie, so we’ll see if it feels dusty after a few years. But overall pretty heartfelt stuff, a great cast, and solid storytelling.

Boy it seems like it took me twelve years to finally sit down and watch ‘The House of the Devil’, a modest little horror movie that has sort of been lurking in the fringes since sometime last year, quietly asking to be seen. There’s nothing really outstanding about the film on the surface – no major horror hook, I mean. Describe it to a friend and most likely the description will come out like this – “A girl goes to a house for a babysitting job and then something bad happens.” That’s about all you can say, since there’s not really a major twist to speak of. And if you’re a good friend you don’t want to ruin the experience. So there you are – with a really lame description of a pretty terrific movie.

What else are you going to say? “Oh no wait – it’s really eerie, though. And atmospheric. Totally atmospheric. And it feels like it was made in the 80s, and not in a winky sorta way, but in a straightforward, this feels like the 80s sorta way.”

Yeah, that’s not gonna do it. At least not for most folks.

So let me try to spell it out for you, and beware, because there will SPOILERS galore as we go on. read more »

Without a doubt, ‘Friday the 13th’ ups the ante in terms of production value – it’s as slick as a barrel of oil and a hundred thousand times more expensive. But that wasn’t hard to do – the original movies looked fairly dipped in mud half of the time. One could argue that was half their charm, but that would make one a curmudgeon, probably, so I’ll skip it. What else is new is that there’s a CW TV star in it and there’s Aaron Yoo who seems to be the only Asian twentysomething working in Hollywood (and who is also pretty great even in the midst of terrible material).

But who cares about the cast or the production value? In a ‘Friday the 13th’ movie, it doesn’t matter. Jason doesn’t even really matter. The only thing that matters in ‘Friday the 13th’ are the FX. read more »

There’s something that just tires me out when I try to lay my thoughts down about a movie that no one probably had any high hopes for except for me. Saying you’re disappointed in ‘My Bloody Valentine 3D’ is like saying you’re disappointed that the ball you threw into the air fell back down again. In your heart, you know what’s coming. This is an idea that was already done to the hilt. There was really no room for improvement. As much as I love the original ‘My Bloody Valentine’, it’s not an amazing film. It’s a very good film made exactly as well as it could ever be made. And this new version proves it. And I’ll tell you about it with many SPOILERS. read more »

In my post about the Wachowski’s Speed Racer a few months ago, I mentioned that I thought the last two Matrix movies were terrible. Then Brian Crane had to go and spoil my know-it-all-ness by saying he rather liked the last two movies, sending me into a reconsideration spiral – if Brian Crane is smart and he also likes the last to Matrix movies, does that mean I could be wrong? Unlikely. But… I had to know.

So putting aside the entertainment needs of my own wife, I rented ‘Matrix:Reloaded’ to see if there was something I might have missed. read more »

There seems to be little to no love in the world for the Wachowski’s take on ‘Speed Racer’. Granted, watching the commercials and the trailer, I figured it was a migraine waiting to happen. Considering how terrible the last two Matrix movies were (or, at least, how not-for-me they were), I figured I could write ‘Speed Racer’ off and concentrate on better stuff, like ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.’

Well, we all know how part of that turned out. Who would’ve guessed that ‘Indiana Jones’ would be one of my least favorite movies of the year and ‘Speed Racer’ would be right up there at the top? read more »

So… ‘The Mist’. Slow as hell. Characters tend to do the “stand and stare” at oncoming danger even though they are intelligent enough to understand the social dynamics of their supermarket microcosm. Religion is, for some reason, portrayed as misguided and evil. Really? One of the good characters can’t take a second and whisper a prayer?

But the thing to talk about is the ending. The movie’s only true moment of horror comes right at the end. It is also its most contrived moment. And it also ends up being its clumsiest twist, the kind of thing I would’ve thought was brilliant had I come up with it as a sophomore in film school, then been embarrassed by it a year later. read more »

This review was written as part of the Final Girl Film Club.

[WARNING: I can't be troubled with trying to withhold spoilers. We've got bigger fish to fry.]

“Lifeforce” doesn’t aspire to be anything surreal, but it is one of the strangest movies I’ve ever seen. Not so much because of what’s in the movie, but because of what was left out.

Director Tobe Hooper, who’d blown people’s minds a decade before with “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, had just come off “Poltergeist” in 1982. Rumors that producer Spielberg had guided Hooper’s hand were refuted, but also made a lot of sense. Really – You watch “TCM”, “The Funhouse”, and “Poltergeist” back to back to back and then tell me which one doesn’t belong. My guess is you’ll choose that one that is “E.T”, but with ghosts. read more »

‘Fear Itself’ has finally aired, the first episode being ‘The Sacrifice’. They put the show in ER’s old spot, which might be a vote of confidence or a sure way to make sure no one tunes in. I can’t tell. They’ve canceled their share of genius shows, though, right? Sure. So if NBC lacks confidence in a show, maybe that’s a good thing? read more »

‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’ has finally arrived and it proves three things:

1) Practical effects are infinitely better than CGI unless your movie takes place in space. And even then, practical effects are infinitely better than CGI.

2) Lucas and Spielberg no longer have the magic touch.

And most important

3) I am 33-years-old. read more »

[WARNING: I would say this review contains SPOILERS - I pretty much take you through the whole thing - but if you've already read the title of the movie, than there's nothing much to spoil, so...]

This week, Final Girl picked ‘The Devil’s Daughter’, a made-for-TV movie from 1973. Now I don’t remember watching made-for-TV movies in 1973, but then I wasn’t alive, which places me just outside the desired demographic. So I read up on ‘em.

In the early 60s, made-for-TV movies were introduced to television audiences. There had been movies on TV before, of course – even made especially for it. But it was these made-for-TV movies that were specifically sold as being just like the movies you’d see in the theater, except that you could watch them in the comfort of your own home. At one time, these were prestige pieces. And to make the made-for-TV movies as much like Hollywood movies as possible, they were modeled on other, successful movies and ripped off for all they were worth. read more »

This review was written as part of the Final Girl Film Club

[WARNING: Welcome to spoiler city.]

Some movies make it all look easy. They were born into rich families, maybe. Or they were born with good looks. Brains. Natural athletic ability. Normal movies have to work and work just to be adequate. But there is a race of super movies that achieve greatness with ease.

I believe that “Near Dark” is one of those movies. read more »

I saw 40 movies that were released this year. 40. Of about 300 or so. Yeah. It’s sad. There are probably spoilers here, so if you have a problem with spoilers, then stop reading, you big baby.

But anyway, here they are, in convenient list form, from worst to best.

‘Eagle vs. Shark’ – I could hear this movie flailing around on the rocky bottom of indie comedy for the entire running time. Basically “Napoleon Dynamite”, but with accents, meaner characters and worse dialogue. Which makes it worse than…

‘Epic Movie’ – Another parody movie that isn’t a parody. It’s more like a medley of remakes with fart jokes instead of, I don’t know, imagination? Which makes it worse than…

‘Dead Silence’ – Poorly cast, poorly written, poorly executed. Creepy dolls didn’t creep me out at all. Still, the nursery rhyme and the crime scene photos were good. That’s literally all that’s good about it. Which makes it worse than…

‘The Messengers’ – Which had a good look to it and stars Kristin Stewart, which is always a good move. But she’s completely wasted. And the CGI – so boring. CGI is just completely, utterly boring in horror movies. And the little kid in the movie – like dead air. Really, if you have no budget, at least go heavy on the casting. Go the extra mile. Plus, of course, this is a remake. Which makes it worse than…

‘Colour Me Kubrick’ – This movie at least had John Malkovich in it. A terrible, strident movie. Tons of energy just exploding all over the place, but none of it ever hitting home. And the whole premise is pretty confused by the fact that the lead actor passing himself off as the mildly famous Stanley Kubrick looks EXACTLY like the much more famous John Malkovich (FYI – I judge fame on the mom ‘n dad scale of recognizability), which makes it worse than…

‘Alpha Dog’ – JT gets his thesp on, Sharon Stone is in a fat suit, and the plot is definitely interesting. But this is one of those attitude for attitude’s sake type of movies. It’s a true story. Great. Once you get through that ending, you wonder if any of it was worth sitting through. Which makes it worse than…

‘Blades of Glory’ – There were a few chuckles to be had here, most of them coming from Ferrell’s good timing. Still, that timing is starting to feel pretty shopworn. As are these plots, which look like they’ll continue with ‘Semi-Pro’. Great. Which makes it worse than…

‘Spider-man 3′ – There’s some of the old Sam Raimi flair here, and that’s good! But he bungled the multi-villain thing like a Batman Forever with ADD, and that’s bad. Plus, that terrible ending. Spider-man could’ve gotten to a hospital in, like, 20 seconds. Dumb, fake, and hollow. Which makes it worse than…

‘The Host’ – I still don’t know why everyone went crazy over this movie. Engaging characters at the beginning, but it sure slogs on and on and on into a conclusion that suddenly goes from crowd-pleasing monster movie to total downer. Which makes it worse than…

‘Transformers’ – The studios spent a lot of money to impress me, which makes me feel pretty special. It would’ve impressed me more if this movie was good, but it certainly was fun to look at. I don’t hate Shia LeBeouf, though, and it seems like everyone does, now. Still, the ending is about as stupid as anything you’ve ever seen, which makes it worse than…

‘Smokin’ Aces’ – Kudos for all the interesting twists in the characters and for even going through the logistics of making that movie happen. But don’t ask me anything that happened in the movie because at this point, I don’t remember. Ryan Reynolds and Common were in it, though. I saw them for a second. Another high energy cast-a-ganza shoot-em-up. Which makes it worse than…

‘Stomp the Yard’ – Columbus Short is great and it’s much more fun to watch people violently dance than gracefully dance. In a movie, anyway. But it failed for me mainly because the emotions seemed outsized compared to the subject matter. I’ve just never felt passionately about something that is routinely called a “routine”, which makes this worse than…

‘Vacancy’ – Which stars Kate Beckinsale. Also, the build of the movie is pretty darn solid, all things told. Nice and simple. Compact. I’m a sucker for that kind of set up. Frank Whaley is pretty creepy, too. But things peter out, as they always seem to in these movies – you know how it is, the set up is great, the pay off is just running and yelling. Which makes it worse than…

‘Black Snake Moan’ – This was exactly what I thought it would be in a good way. Obviously the face of it is designed to provoke to the point of comedy. Plus it’s great to see Sam Jackson play something other than a completely in control action prone quip factory. But at the same time the whole thing feels cartoony. And considering what Ricci’s character has at stake, that really robs this movie of it’s heft. Heft, I say! Which makes it worse than…

‘Disturbia’ – An updated ‘Rear Window’. Again, I dig Shia and there was some good suspense. But there’s definitely nothing resonating here – it’s exactly what it looks like and no more. Which makes it worse than…

‘Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer’ – Super hero action done pretty good, though this time the grip on the characters slipped. Things seem important one second, goofy the next. Plus, it’s kind of a huge story to fit into two hours, which maybe robs it of some emotion and makes it worse than…

’300′ – Great visuals, of course. Just stunning. And some pretty effective moments. But then, I read the comic and it’s hard to give much credit to a movie that made you feel exactly like the original text it came from. It’s a really, really good rip off. Which makes it worse than…

‘Halloween’ – Say what you will about backstory being bad for a horror movie, and I will say “Oh, come on.” This franchise is 9 movies deep, people. At least this sequel gave us something to watch. And I really really like that last little bit at the end between Laurie and Michael. Still, the set pieces are so plain jane and the cast is full of holes, which leaves us with nothing by the end, which makes it worse than…

‘Fay Grim’ – The jury in my head is still half out on this movie. I feel like I haven’t watched a Hal Hartley movie since ‘Henry Fool’ (although, sadly, I have – ‘The Girl from Monday’), so this was a pretty amazing follow up. Just completely bizarre and unexpected. This is the Hal I know and love! Though it does drag on a bit, doesn’t it? Which makes it worse than…

‘Paris, Je t’aime’ – Some great work here, stuff that will prove to you a short doesn’t just have to be funny to be effective. Unfortunately there is also some serious dreck, which makes it worse than…

‘The Lookout’ – A smart and contained suspense story pretty much filled to the brim with good acting. Still, this plot feels rote and there’s just no acting around that. Which makes it worse than…

‘Hot Fuzz’ – A seriously ambitious action parody (take note, ‘Epic Movie’). If you’re well versed in American action films, you will get a lot out of this. But then American action movies tend to be parodies of themselves these days, which steals some of ‘Fuzz’s thunder and makes it worse than…

‘The Kingdom’ – Really great cast, some interesting nuggets here and there. But man, that ending just felt so lazy to me. Which makes it worse than…

‘Superbad’ – These movies out of the Apatow camp have the look of 80′s sex comedies but with heart and smarts. Smearts. And it works for me. Still, the Seth character, while full of funny moments, becomes grating to the point of kindling a blind hatred from me and the wife, which just throws everything off the tracks and makes this worse than…

’1408′ – The first half an hour of this movie was stunningly scary. Deep in the mind kinds of scares. Lizard brain scares. But things fly off the rails after that and the ending ruins everything. I haven’t seen an ending ruin that much promise since ‘What Lies Beneath’. Which makes it worse than…

‘Bourne Ultimatum’ – Everybody’s right – as action movies go, this is one of the best, if only because it’s so distinct. Still, when I think back on it, I have trouble separating it from the second one. Or was that the first one? Which makes it worse than…

’28 Weeks Later’ – What a surprise – a sequel that was obviously worth making. Not a retread, but an expansion in just about every possible way. Even emotionally. I’m seriously serious. But this still doesn’t quite connect like the first one. It’s not exactly a breath of fresh air. Which makes it worse than…

‘Eastern Promises’ – what a great, simple story. Just completely new and fresh, to me at least. And everybody is in top condition – they’d have to be with all the nude killing and whatnot. Still, I felt like it could’ve pushed it further, emotionally, which makes it worse than…

‘Grindhouse’ – This one gave me the biggest range of highs and lows of any movie I’ve seen all year. It swings so far from awful to fantastic that it’s hard to figure a reason to keep this out of the top ten. Still, there isn’t an emotional hook to hang anything on, which makes it worse than…

’3:10 to Yuma’ – A good, solid western with a core about a father trying to be good role model to his son. But Crowe can get pretty hammy and not in a good way, which makes this worse than…

‘Juno’ – I hate that folks are comparing this to ‘Little Miss Sunshine’, because I like ‘Juno’. Fantastic cast, sharp writing. A good, entertaining movie. In league with the best John Hughes movies, I think, though otherwise having little in common with his stuff. Still, the dialogue wears out its welcome by the end and our hero has so many one-liners it’s sometimes hard to feel bad for her. Which makes it worse than…

‘Rescue Dawn’ – It has the emotion and an amazing story to tell, but it wraps up in such a non-chalant way it loses some points. “Scratch where it itches?” You gotta love Herzog. But this is worse than…

‘Ratatouille’ – Another great one from Pixar – a great cast, great animation and an involving story. Man I hope they continue to make movies until my kids are grown. But these aren’t classic characters, really. ‘Beauty and the Beast’ doesn’t have anything to worry about (though ‘Cars’ is getting buried a little more), which makes it worse than…

‘Knocked Up’ – Remember what I said about ‘smeart’? This has smeart up the wahzoo. Somehow all the ad-libbing works here. It never grates. And I love the two characters at the center and I hope things work out.

‘Pretty in the Face’ – Another great example, sandwiched in here betweenst big money big town big shots, of how a small story can work in big ways. Is this out on DVD yet? I don’t know. But this is about as terrific a movie as you could hope to see. Seek it out!

‘No Country for Old Men’ – Yep, it sure is good and it gives you more than a little to think about. This is where the movies that I liked and/or loved every single frame begin. This is great and it’s only number four because it’s a rip-off. Which makes it worse than…

‘The Darjeeling Limited’ – Smaller and tighter Wes Anderson. It suits him well. And the tracking shot through the train cars is one of my favorite things in movies ever. But at the end it feels too small, by a narrow margin. Which makes it worse than…

‘Zodiac’ – Fincher said he wanted this to be the last serial killer movie. He may have succeeded. This movie is certainly warmer than some of Fincher’s other stuff, character-wise, but it doesn’t even come close to putting you inside the brain of a character like…

‘There Will Be Blood’ – The only movie I’ve really obsessed over from the moment I first saw it. The best movie of the year. You could read every frame like a book. And at the same time it doesn’t feel fussed over. It still feels loose. Can’t wait to see it again.

‘Hot Rod’ – In its own category – 2007′s Film of Films – is where I put ‘Hot Rod’. You know how people watched ’2001′ and walked out with their minds blown and some even thought they hated it, but then upon seeing it again realized it was about 20 years ahead of its time and that, in fact, they loved it? Well, I don’t know if that’s how Danny McBride felt about ’2001′ or not, but I laughed myself sick watching ‘Hot Rod’ and so that stain on my carpet is his fault.

Honorable Mention – I finally saw ‘Cocaine Angel’ and even though it was a 2006 release, it has really stuck with me and not mentioning it would be a disservice to people with eyeballs everywhere.

The following is written as part of the Final Girl Film Club.

SPOILER WARNING: There will probably be spoilers all over this thing, just so you know.

‘Suspiria’ was a movie that was built up substantially in my head during my pre-teen years. Maybe during my tweens? Whatever. I’d see the box at Moviemax, I’d read bits about Argento in Fangoria, but I didn’t have a clue what the movie was about. I just figured that if I watched it, something inside me would snap and I’d probably go insane. Something about its obscurity – suspiria? What the hell is a suspiria? – plus its legend just made it feel like a mountain of fear I would one day need to climb.

That day came several years ago. I was probably 16. I rented it, started watching and then fell asleep. I woke up to see a window on fire and credits rolling. I didn’t rewind it to catch what I’d missed mainly because of my crushing disappointment. If it couldn’t even keep me awake, it probably couldn’t drive me insane.

So I haven’t watched ‘Suspiria’ in a good number of years. And now, having watched this gussied up THX-approved letterboxed version, I can see that, no matter what, I was missing out on some stunning visuals. A cropped, washed-out VHS copy somehow doesn’t convey the intensity of color – it’s as if ‘The Wizard of Oz’ and ‘Gone with the Wind’ had a baby, fed it a Sherwin-Williams store and took off the diaper. YES! But don’t take my word for it. Let your eyes do the believing:

Even black and white looks amazing:

So there I was, wide-awake, my eyes bleeding Technicolor. Here’s what I saw.

The story (which is about as threadbare as it can be) concerns Suzy Banyon (Jessica Harper) who goes to Germany to attend a prestigious ballet school. She arrives on a dark and stormy night, hails a cab and takes a long, spooky ride through the woods. When she arrives, another student is just leaving, running out into the rain like a bat out of hell. This student dies quite horribly and that’s the first of many very grim murders – by razor wire, stabbings, hangings, and/or seeing eye dogs.

It seems that if the ladies who are in charge of the ballet school are displeased with you, you’ll die in some awful way. None of the killings struck me as particularly significant, except maybe for the blind man being killed and eaten by his dog.

Argento holds on the violence and the gore, even when it’s way past its effectiveness, almost to the point of comedy in some cases and that’s when I started wondering if this movie that I understood to be a horror classic, that has made several “scariest movies” lists, is really a satire of the kind of movie Argento wasn’t interested in making anymore.

Exhibit A – this face, made by the first victim of the movie as a hand shoves her face against a window:

Now there’s no way you can take that face as anything but comedy, right? As the movie goes on, the acting is so stilted (not helped by the ol’ 100% spaghetti western-type ADR) and situations are so artificial (the girl at the beginning has her face pushed through glass, then suddenly she’s outside… on the roof? On a balcony? Who cares? Stab! Stab! Stab!), what other conclusion can an audience make?

However, in the last reel of the film, there’s this face:

This face made my skin crawl. I don’t even know what’s going on with that face, but those eyes – as bugged out and cartoonish as they seem – went straight to my gut.

Also in the scary column is that great score by Goblins, this sort of clanging, shattering assault that sounds more like a collision of Argento’s sound effects collection than anything musical. There was nothing comedic about that, as I remember.

But then there’s something else that I haven’t read in any other review that I’ve found – what about that meeting of psychiatrists (with a great bit with a totally overdubbed Udo Kier! Yes!). A handy sign has been made up – Sixth Meeting on New Studies In Psychiatry and Psychology. I think I get this whole scene now. That sign might as well read “National Exposition Convention”. Basically, Suzy sits down with Sara’s psychiatrist and then another man and in the span of this scene, all the witchery backstory is laid out, plain and simple. Purged, you might say. Sort of like the story has this info that you need to know to pay everything off, but there’s no natural way to get it out. So you know what – here. Here’s this one scene to explain everything.

That’s right – the dance academy is run by witches and Suzy dispatches the entire line of them with a fairly easy stab to the head witch’s throat. Easy peasy. If not for that face a few paragraphs back, I’m not sure there would be any tension at all in those last few minutes.

Still, I don’t feel disappointed. Instead, I wish there was this much gumption behind America horror work these days. Instead of churning out crap when he got bored with the genre, Argento went after something different. He had fun with the whole thing. And another thing that sets this apart from recent horror – I feel like I’m going to need to watch this a few more times before it really starts to sink in. Can’t say that about “Saw IV”, ya know?

So I’ve been reading ‘Crystal Lake Memories’, the big book of ‘Friday the 13th’. It is, without a doubt, the best book ever written. My sincere hope is that the same folks – or heck, some different folks, I don’t care – do the same thing with ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’, ‘Night of the Creeps’, ‘Halloween’, etc., etc.

Not that the aforementioned memories are necessarily pleasant. For the most part, everyone who worked on these movies pretty much hated the idea – not even the experience, afterwards, but going in they were dreading it. Sean Cunningham, who kicked the whole thing off as writer/director/producer, wanted nothing to do with it. But the money people wanted a knock off of ‘Halloween’ and, well, he needed the money, so… He was not a horror fan – he wanted to make important films. Then, curse of curses, Paramount bought the movie and it became a phenomenon. Thing is, the idea of the setting was pretty ingenius. Or at least, it worked for me, as I always had anxiety about summer camp. Not so much that I would be murdered, but a sense of general unease. It just set me all off balance.

So that may have something to do with my fandom. That and I saw these movies at such a young age that the scares weren’t funny or cheesy to me – they were for real, yo. I always knew they weren’t great, but something about that unpolishedness made them scarier to me. And probably only to me.

As the book lays out how the sequels came about, interview after interview contains quotes along the lines of “Well, I’m no horror fan” or “Well, even though it was a horror movie, I needed the work”. Just an amazing amount of disdain for the genre. This whole series, this icon of horror, created by people who are actively ashamed that they ever had anything to do with it. People who prayed the movies would tank. It kind of pokes a hole in that theory about making movies you’re passionate about.

And as I’m reading this stuff, I think about the obvious lies I read back in the 80s, the articles in Fangoria where the director would be talking about this being the best Jason yet and how they’re having a blast, etc. I mean, now I know that that kind of stuff is all lies and marketing, but back then it made me believe that being on the set of one of those movies must’ve been the best thing ever.

I still believe that. If Paramount came to me with a $4mil budget to make a ‘Friday the 13th’, would I hem and haw and say things like “Despite the fact that this is a horror movie, I will take it seriously”? Hecks, no. I would do it in the stab of a throat. Whoa – you see that? I’m so ready.

Every month, a cardboard box shows up on my doorstep. Although the box is expected, I never expect the box. But the box doesn’t tick and it’s light, so I take it inside.

I open the box and inside is… another box. I open that box and inside, under a couple pieces of crumpled packing paper, is a comic.

This is how I receive each issue of ‘Cassanova’. It’s like getting a box of gold every month, because it’s really colorful and man, it’s way heavy.

The story is only 11 issues deep so far (you can get the first seven issues collected right here) and each one leaves me jealous and impressed. The first album (which can be purchased here) was a real mind blower – just thinking about it was more action-packed then seven Bad Boys IIs (or, for that matter, II Bad Boys 7s).

And now, in issue 11, I feel like I’m just catching up. The first seven issues set so much up at a head-splittingly fast pace. Then issues 8, 9, and 10 made me feel like I was putting the pieces back together. And now, as all these characters relationships start to play out – and especially Zephyr’s tender moments here with Suki – let’s just say the head splitting continues, just in lots of different directions.

Don’t sleep on this book.

—

‘Spider-man 3′ was a poor movie, it’s true, ruined by its own ambition. But I saw more of the old Raimi in it than I have in anything since ‘The Quick and the Dead’.

—

You know that monologue in ‘Your Friends & Neighbors’ where Cary tells the infamous story in the steam room? Is it just me or is it just like the monologue in ‘The Breakfast Club’ where Andy talks about Larry Lester’s buns together?

of Emilio Estevez’s in ‘The Breakfast Club’ where he’s talking about taping Larry Lester’s buns together? Is

The following review is written as part of the Final Girl Film Club.

Zombie knows that we know that he knows that we know everything about ‘Halloween’. And as much as Zombie has made ‘Halloween’ his own, he can’t escape the fact that every frame is a reference to the original. So he takes the same story and opens a different window on it, sets up his camera in some different places (most of the time) and expands the universe of Michael Myers… somewhat. See, for all the universe expanding, there is an equal measure of direct lifts from the original ‘Halloween’ that serve to be-suck what good stuff he’s pulled together.

And I’ll probably go all SPOILERS on you, so stop reading if you care.

The whole she-bang starts off with a REALLY shrill, cliché white trash family dynamic that’s about as off-putting as Michael’s first major action of the movie, which happens at about the same time. So you’ve got this terribly written scene in the kitchen with a lot of bad swears and screaming vs. a great sequence which is handled with taste and restraint. It’s suggested, very short, very economical. It just plays out and it stays with you.

This is where most of the universe expansion comes into play, watching the young Michael grow up, filling in the blanks created by Loomis’ lines in the original:

LOOMIS
…I met him fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left, no conscience, no reason, no understanding, in even the most rudimentary sense, of life or death or right or wrong. I met this six-year-old boy with a blank, cold emotionless face and the blackest of eyes, the devil’s eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him and another seven trying to keep him locked away when I realized what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely, simply evil.

Reading over this now, I realize Zombie didn’t follow this to the letter and thank God he didn’t. It would’ve been painfully boring. It’s a great line for the original, because the original treated Michael like death itself, like a plague, like the boogie man. He had no reason or backstory or motive. This movie, not so much. Michael is a person here. Not a better person, mind you, but he’s human.

But lo, for then I was doubly vexed to find that all the talk of the “boogie man” was left in. At first I thought it was because this movie was sort of ‘Halloween’ through the looking glass – the same story, but from Michael’s point of view. So all the same stuff happens, except now we watch Michael the killing man instead of Michael the killing machine.

But even that’s not true and that’s why I’ve chasing this review around like the million blind kittens it is. If this was truly from Michael’s point of view, then we wouldn’t see the scenes that set up Laurie and her friends; we wouldn’t see Loomis go to Sheriff Brackett and try to convince him that evil has come to his little hamlet. If these direct lifts were just reminders, wouldn’t Zombie, who has come up with so much new stuff here, at least put a new spin on things? I’m thinking along the lines of ‘Back to the Future II’ (and who isn’t, I wonder?)

It feels an awful lot like these scenes are in the movie purely for the fans, to provide some kind of nostalgic kick. Or maybe Sherrie Moon called Rob to bed, so he jotted down “Then they do what happened in the original.” There’s no real difference outside of the distressed look and it feels hackish.

For example:

It’s difficult to tell which movie this still came from and that’s a shame. Remakes like “Amityville Horror” and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” are hack jobs and never tried to be anything but. They’re old furniture with a new coat of Michael Bay stain. Zombie’s gone to the trouble rebuilding the chair, but used some of the old upholstery.

And then there’s the ending, one of the best endings of a horror movie I’ve seen in a long time.

Scout Taylor-Compton, absolutely bland as Laurie Strode, delivers the line you’ve heard a million times – “Was that the boogie man?” – and then the ending begins. There’s a connection Michael feels with his younger sister, Laurie, and it plays out nicely in the scene in the basement. That goes badly and there’s a good 5 or 6 minutes of cat-and-mouse that feels beneath this movie, like something out of one of the other sequels. But then it comes down to Laurie, Michael and a gun. That’s when Zombie gives me the ending I’ve been wanting to see since I saw the first ‘Scream’. It’s hard to describe how pitch perfect this last moment is, but I’ll probably rent this just to see it again. And best of all, there’s no obvious sequel suggested – this movie leaves us almost zero options. And that’s a big plus right there.

Also on the plus side – Zombie takes all of this very seriously and manages to steer well clear of pretentiousness. He really hit a sweet spot here. And the young Michael is a great casting choice – with his weird moon face and awkward mop of blonde hair. Sherrie Moon Zombie is the best she’s ever been. I felt a little embarrassed watching her in ‘The Devil’s Rejects’, sort of feeling like, ya know, okay – the director’s wife is pretty and she wants to be in movies. But here she owns this part purty dang hard. You’ve also got that mask, that is introduced a little awkwardly, but when it is found later and is starting to disintegrate – what a great look. Then there’s Danielle Harris, completely wasted as Annie and should’ve so obviously played Laurie.

In the end, it’s a fine movie, easily the best of Zombie’s. Also easily the best of the recent remakes. And probably the second best of the ‘Halloween’ series. If only more filmmakers would follow in Zombie’s footsteps. Hopefully, ‘Halloween’s huge opening will cause studio heads to ask for remakes that change things up, in which case Rob Zombie will be my number one horror hero.

I watched the movie “Disturbia” a couple nights ago and it was pretty good! Best part about it, though, was its trailer and here’s why: it managed to not show two big action-filled scenes that happen right at the beginning. It was pretty great to start this movie off and realize that I didn’t know everything that would happen for the first half an hour.

So then over to the Quicktime site to see if there are any other good trailers out there.

“Ira & Abby” – A trailer full of talking with comedic rhythm, but no actual punchlines. About two people who fall in love, then have struggles and are surrounded by their wacky family. Blarg.

“Dan in Real Life” – a drama about white people in sweaters and the emotions they keep bottled up. A fine premise, certainly universal. But when Pete Townsend’s “Let My Love Open the Door” starts up, you know you’re in trouble.

“Resurrecting the Champ” – the title is terrible, but I have something against “BLANK-ing the BLANK” titles anyway. This trailer starts out interestingly enough and then ‘Based on a True Story’ comes up, which these days means the filmmakers are asking you to forgive all the corny dialogue and ridiculously contrived situations because, hey – it really happened! I’m not entirely sure what it’s about, which is good. And it’s interesting to see Sam Jackson actually act.

“National Treasure 2″ – the first one was awful and this looks like a fitting sequel. The fact that Gates will attempt to kidnap the President… I don’t know if I’m supposed to think of that as a joke or not. But then, that shouldn’t even be in the trailer to begin with. If the main thrust of the story – Gates’ great-grandfather is accused of conspiring to kill Lincoln so Gates must CLEAR HIS NAME! – wasn’t so unbelievably boring, they probably could have done without it.

“Things We Lost in the Fire” – Great title! The premise is interesting enough. The fade in/fade out thing is horrible. Who started this trend? It sucks! Just let me blink! Can I just blink? Pop song comes in and ruins the mood. This movie is probably bad.

“Dedication” – I like everybody in this. The plot is pretty worn, but it’s a novel situation. Could be good. The trailer plays really fast, as most of these do – keep the punchlines coming, don’t slow down, don’t let anyone think.

“Death Sentence” – shows you everything that happens for the first half an hour. Except that on first viewing I thought it was telling me that Bacon was one of the people robbing the store, which was kind of awesome. Then I realized I thought that because everyone in this movie looks the same. Not so awesome. Gets some good energy going, some cool shots. Uses that same music from “Beowulf”. This movie has nothing else to show you. The hook is “Come watch Kevin Bacon kill these dudes.”

“Elizabeth: The Golden Age” – I liked the first movie. This looks like it could be good, too. Though the trailer should end after Elizabeth’s line about having a hurricane inside her. By that time, I’ve got it. And it’s a strong delivery.

“Death at a Funeral” – I get the feeling this trailer is a complete catalog of every funny moment in the movie. If that feeling is true, then they really must’ve thought that gay joke was a serious hoot.

“The American Gangster” trailer goes on way to long.

That’s not “Beowulf”!

“Superbad” still cracks me up. Ha ha ha! “Boop.” Ha ha! Yes!

“The Darjeeling Limited” trailer gets better every time I see it.

The following review is written as part of the Final Girl Film Club.

Somewhere inside the movie “John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness” is the moment when the John Carpenter who made “Halloween” ends and the John Carpenter who made “Ghosts of Mars” begins. I’m not positive what that moment is, but it involves this guy:

And that’s not to say Jameson Parker, playing college student Brian Marsh, is a poor actor. Instead, he exemplifies everything that’s right and wrong about “Prince of Darkness”. On the right side, he’s a low key, believable dude, hip enough to gain our sympathy and square enough to be a one of a handful collegiate, meta-physics nerds. On the wrong side, the mustache. Porn-era facial hair is always welcome in a B-grade horror movie, but this story aspires to something better that it never really becomes.

[WARNING: This review will spoil just about everything.]

The story breaks down like this: A priest dies, leaving behind a box with a key inside. The key is passed to Father Loomis (Donald Pleasance, of course), who also looks through the priest’s diary (not cool, Loomis). In it are writings that portend a coming evil – “The sleeper awakens.” and “I have witnessed His stirrings.”, etc. Why the priest must wax poetic and can’t just write “The devil is coming! Satan, I’m talking about. Run!” I’m not sure, but it does move the plot along.

Father Loomis heads to the nearby college where Professor Birack is holding court with his class, talking about how logic breaks down at the sub-atomic level and while I want to write “blah-dy, blah-dy, blah” at the end of this sentence, I have to admit that the conversation had me somewhat intrigued. It was a simple set up, I guess; the idea that what we perceive as time and space isn’t necessarily true and that there are plenty of things we don’t understand going on under our noses all the time. Neat.

So Loomis talks to Birack about the key, the priest, the sleeper awakening and so on, and the two head to the church where our dead, poetic priest used to hang. It’s filled with a million candles, a dusty ol’ book of important writings, and a big tube of swirly green evil.

Next thing you know, Birack rounds up some students (including Brian and totally hot science-nerd Catherine (who DO IT almost immediately), each with their own area of expertise in the various sciences and moves them into the church to investigate. Computers are set up, technical jargon is thrown around, and we discover that there are two – count ‘em, TWO – members of great 80s TV – Parker (seen above) of ‘Simon & Simon’ fame, and Thom Bray, known to most people as the “Boz” from ‘Riptide’. Sweet.

A translation of the big ol’ dusty book reveals passages much more straightforward than the dead priest could probably handle – “And the Prince of Darkness was Himself sealed, that old life, called the Devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world” – and characters exchange worried looks. Worms crawl up windows. More worried looks. Then the “Boz” get impaled on a broken bicycle by Alice Cooper (followed around by an eerie army of the homeless) and all hell starts to break loose. A girl is possessed by devil water and starts killing her classmates. A bearded dude says the whole operation is “caca” – seriously, he says “caca” – then gets knifed about 50 times by a bag lady. Somewhere in here, Brian and Catherine continue to make googly eyes at each other.

Through all these rote (though well handled) 80s horror hijinx, we get one sweet morsel of creativity – the dreams. Our heroes start having dreams that look like a video of the front of the church. In the doorway is a figure, persumably Satan or someone similarly evil, and a voice warns that this is an image of what is to come, that this transmission had to be sent as a dream.

Wow.

Video footage of the devil sent through time to your dreams is way, way cool. Worms on windows and dudes saying “caca” is effin’ ridiculous.

Things progress from here in a fairly predictable manner – more people are possessed, more people die and the students become increasingly convinced that they’re dealing with something big and evil. Then comes one of my favorite lines in the movie – “Caca” guy comes back from the dead as a suit filled with bugs and says this – “I have a message for you. You’re not going to like it.” What an awesome understatement.

More water gets squirted around, one lady turns into sort of the lead evil character and develops a serious bout of pizza face and… man… I start getting bored at this point. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but I feel like the movie isn’t building on anything. I feel like maybe we’ve reached that sub-atomic level of filmmaking at this point, and all logic has broken down. Mirrors become the portal from which whatever it is is going to enter our world. All the unpossessed people are fighting possessed people. And Pizza Face reaches into a big mirror and starts pulling out a big demonic hand. Catherine sees this and loses it, blitzing evil through the mirror, back into its own dimension.

And after 100 or so minutes of veering madly from terrible lameness to super cool creep out, we come upon the moment that, I think, used up all that Carpenter had left in his big bag of awesome – Father Loomis hurls an ax at the mirror, smashing it. Then on the other side of the mirror, we see this:

Catherine, reaching back for the light of the real world as it flickers out and leaves her on the other side, forever. It is one of the eeriest images in film and I wonder now if this image wasn’t the image in Carpenter’s head when he first came up with this whole idea. It would make sense – it is so strong it nearly stands up all on its own. In most movies I feel like they wouldn’t have even bothered with this shot. She would’ve just disappeared never to be seen again and we would sympathize with Brian for losing his girl (which would be totally beside the point, but all about the usual formula (which the movie slips into anyway in its last two scenes)).

Finally, the movie winds down, showing the dream/video again, only this time the form in the doorway is Catherine. I’m not sure if that means she’s saved us (I think so) or if now she is the embodiment of evil (why not?). Then there are a couple of jump scares and we’re off into the credits.

There’s a lot that’s predictable and sloppy about “Prince of Darkness”, but there’s plenty that still seems fresh, too. I’ve seen this movie probably 4 or 5 times since I was a kid and each time I expect it to be better than it is. Of course, it’s not, but maybe someday if I ever reach that sub-atomic level of watching movies, then blah-dy, blah-dy, blah.

Saw “Feast” and “Slither” this weekend past. Both are fine movies, boast talented casts (though “Feast” has at least one truly poor casting choice in Navi Rawat) and take pride in subverting horror movie cliches in some pretty clever ways. “Feast” as at least one moment that will probably have you wondering how they got away with it. “Slither” is a little more mainstream, but still has a shaggy dog feel that keeps you off guard.

What’s strange is that for all the energy and talent involved, these movies come off feeling a slight. They feel far too short. I’ve been trying to figure out why that is, considering they both run about an hour forty-five. So let me put them up against two other, similar movies that I found more filling.

• “Slither” vs. “Night of the Creeps”

  “Night of the Creeps” is easily less polished and not nearly as strong in the writing or acting department as “Slither”. So what does “Creeps” have? Heart? Moxy? Well, yeah. “Creeps” took it’s cues from monster movies of the 50s, which was kinda novel in 1986. “Slither” takes its cues from monster movies that took their cues from monster movies of the 50s, namely, “Creeps” or “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”. It’s a copy of a copy.

  Not that I want to get into a debate about originality, because, ironically, that’d be pretty cliché. Maybe this is what I get for having watched a whole lot of movies and being as old as I am and realizing when things are being recycled. Admittedly, “Slither” does a fine job, gets some chuckles, gets some groans. It’s got Nathan Fillion! It’s got Jenna Fischer! It’s a James Gunn joint!

  But what I think takes it down a notch in the end is that it seems like less a movie and more like a prank, I guess. As if the actors are saying “Look at us in this monster movie! Isn’t it fun that we’re doing this monster movie?” Sure, it’s fun. But it’s not scary. And it’s not very surprising.

• “Feast” vs. “From Dusk Til Dawn”

  “Feast” wants to be “From Dusk Til Dawn”. Wait, that’s not quite right. “Feast” wants to be what “From Dusk Til Dawn” wants to be – another copy of a copy – which is most likely a laundry list of obscure gindhouse films that I’ve never heard of. That’s fine with me. I like both movies.

  But by the end of “Dusk”, I remember feeling like I just couldn’t take anymore, like they really pushed that story to its boundaries and this has to be the end. While the story does that 180 in the middle and goes from crime caper to vampire film, this change somehow doesn’t interrupt the flow. You’ve gotten to know these characters and now they’re in a vampire film. If you can jump that hurdle, you’re fine.

  “Feast” is “Dusk” if “Dusk” started out a vampire movie and stayed a vampire movie. And if the vampires didn’t show up much. And did lewd things with each other and with dead things. “Feast” actually does a better job looking like an amateurish 70s film than “Dusk” and that creates a pretty cool atmosphere. We’re not talking about the faux 70s atmospheres of “The Devil’s Rejects” or the new “Chainsaw”. In “Feast”, the film is grainy, the composition is an interesting kind of non-spectacular. But with all this good stuff going on, “Feast” feels slight because there’s just no story here. People are in a bar and they want to survive being attacked by… things… and so they try to do that for 90 minutes, at the end of which, a few of them do. I can’t remember a single character name nor what any of them were about. I’d say the bar is filled with maybe 20 people at the outset, each one getting a freeze-frame character slide, giving their name, what they’re about, and what their life-expectancy. It’s a funny gag that somehow never gets old. But it makes clear how unremarkable the film is. I’ve been given the chance to actually read up on these characters, yet I can’t remember a single one.

  Not that “Feast” is trying to be Dickens, mind you. It just wants to have a good bloody time. And it does, mostly. You’ll probably drift off toward the end. But you can only eat so much stuffing before you need some turkey, ya know?

So, in the end, “Slither” and “Feast” are fine horror movies, made with real horror movie love. But I want them to change the face of horror movies forever. Is that so much to ask?

—

How will the new Dem takeover affect horror movies? Movies in general? If the country does end up feeling a little more relaxed (assuming the Dems grow a pair and stand up for ideas that make some damn sense), will we be trapped in another pit of “Wolf”, “Interview with the Vampire”, and “Wes Craven’s New Nightmare”? Oy.

—

You hear this story about Sascha Baron Cohen’s next movie? Instead of going for a studio deal, he partnered with some financing folks, raised $25mil to make his next flick, then pre-sold the movie to Universal for $42mil. So he actually owns the movie and, I suppose, has already paid back his investors before he’s even shot a frame of film.

Granted, he’s got a movie out that just made a buttload of money and he’s proved himself in other movies and on TV (sorry… HBO) so he’s got a few more selling points than, say, I do.

But still, what a great model.

—

P.S. – Did you know Jenna Fischer directed a movie for Troma? Given, it’s not a campy, z-grade gorefest, which is kind of a disappointment. But still!

First, watch this so as to get some laffs before I start complaining:

http://www.boardsmag.com/screeningroom/commercials/3099/

—

Yeah, so? I saw ‘Pulse’ with the missus this weekend. Strangely, it was motivated out of our recent obsession with Veronica Mars and not, as is usually the case with me, out of my lifelong obsession with horror movies. I hadn’t read a single review of this one and so, if you really broke it down, I was going to see this movie for a really dumb reason and probably the reason that many other people saw it, too – because I thought… really, on a level deep down that I don’t want to admit… I thought it was going to be like an episode of Veronica Mars.

In case you wondered whether or not people were stupid enough to think like this, here’s your proof. They are. I am. I like the character of Veronica Mars and therefore believed that if Kristen Bell was involved in a movie, her character in that movie would be equally plucky and clever. And to be fair to my dopey self, things usually do work that way, seeing as how actors get pigeonholed like that all the time.

But ‘Pulse’ was this flat, dead thing. A non-story with moody lighting. A mish-mash made from a jib-jab of other, better movies. As usual, the real kick in the head is that, even after sitting there for the 19 hours it took to watch this suckfest, I still believe the premise was pretty interesting. It’s a premise that has about 3 seconds of energy around it unless you’ve got a good story to keep that energy alive.

‘Pulse’ is a fine example of a movie that creates the rules of its universe and then completely disregards them if they get in the way of a sequence. If you didn’t already know, the (vague) idea is that some kids have discovered a way to broaden broadband and they open frequencies on which the dead travel, giving the dead the ability to enter the world of the living. Cool, right? Ridiculous, probably, but cool enough to base 90 minutes of a summer movie on. (NOTE: None of the main characters are the actual kids that discovered this broader-band. This proves to be a very weak choice).

But then, as you may have seen in commercials, the dead come out of washing machines and hunt people in bathrooms — two places where there’s not a wired nor wireless piece of hardware in sight. And so the question “Wait – how did it get into the washing machine/bathroom?” begat questions like “And what exactly did they come FOR?”

The filmmakers pretend to answer these questions, but don’t. It’s a major failing of the set up, I think. Take the first scene (please!): Some kid walks across a college campus being pursued by something. He goes to an almost totally vacant library for some reason. In that library he is attacked by something that does something to him. I’m not being vague to avoid spoilers. This is precisely what I thought of the first scene. By the end of the movie, the first scene still wasn’t totally explained.

Now with ‘The Ring’ – which I hold in high regard – you had a very simple set up: there’s a tape and if you watch it, you die in 7 days. Done. As long as a character has watched the tape, anything that happens to that character is fine by me. With ‘Pulse’, I was never certain how anyone in the movie raised the ire of the dead. Was it watching the computer screen? Was it from getting an email? What transgression did these characters perpetrate? Not that the movie needs to be morally responsible, but usually you at least get a “Dude, when we walk through this graveyard, do NOT step on that one grave.”, which Dude will immediately do and, soon after, become zombie fodder or some such.

This has given me a better – or at least another – understanding of how rules work for you: they give the audience the very basic suggested organizational daily allowance so that it might better suspend its disbelief and enjoy the film.

Without the rules, we’re lost in a sea of chaos that quickly swells into an ocean of tedium, with waves of bitterness and anger lapping at the shore of tranquility.

FYI — Saw this movie at the beach.

—

Also, whether it’s because of the dud-acity of ‘Pulse’ or not, the second season of Mars that we’re watching now… it feels a lot more miss than hit. There’s a whole subplot about one character’s real dad showing up that drags everything down into soap opera territory and that worries me. Another character has made a relationship decision that is not only boring, it’s borderline unbelievable. There’s still a good mystery afoot, which is what I’m wanting to see more of. The strength of show is Veronica’s cleverness.

That there were interesting relationships between the characters in the first season was the icing, but it definitely was not the cake.

‘Emily Rose’ is a courtroom drama masquarading as a horror movie and it’s got exactly three things going for it, the most important of which being that there were two scenes with visuals frightening enough to induce adrenaline burst vertigo. Really – there were two cuts in this movie that made my head spin. And they’ve stayed with me. I won’t tell you about them here, because, well, it would diminish their scariness, no?

So what is it that makes them so scary, is what I’ve been trying to figure out. First, I think it has to do with the fact that I’d already bought into the character of Emily (Jennifer Carpenter). It’s a very showy, physical role. I’m sure some folks thought it was overdone, but it worked for me. The reactions of a character work 50/50 with an audience. The audience already knows how they feel about what they’re seeing. So if something scary happens and the character involved screams, then it’s definitely scary. If something scary happens and the character rattles off a clever one liner, then it’s funny. If this character reaction fits the tone of the rest of the story, then it should enhance the moment. If this reaction seems out of character, it kills all the energy immediately.

Second, the simple perversion of what Emily is seeing. She does a lot of hallucinating and it generally involves peoples faces melting into grotesque, yawning mouths and black eyes… but they’ll also just be driving by or walking with an umbrella. Again, funny if you’re not keyed in, terrifying if you are. Very regular, everyday stuff with just a slight twist, almost unnoticeable.

The whole movie doesn’t hold up, though. It doesn’t really build to anything earth shattering – though it seems to think that it does. Still, it’s got some scenes that are worth a study.

I saw the remake of ‘The Hills Have Eyes’ last night. After being put off by Aja’s ‘High Tension’ last year, I still went after this one. Why not? All my horror friends were in town at one time and they could all catch a movie. This happens only once every few months. Add to that the fact that there was a horror movie playing? I couldn’t pass it up.

Aja’s style isn’t bad. He can build some suspense, even when the situation isdrenched in cliche. What keeps me from giving him the full thumbs up is that he shows me everything. There is literally nothing left to the imagination.

I don’t think this is because he lacks the brains to do things subtly. I think this is purely a choice. I figure if you asked Aja about playing things off screen, he’d tell you that you are a coward. Aja wants to rub your face in the grime and the blood. He doesn’t want you to imagine horror. He wants you to watch it.

There’s something I admire about this, in the same way I admire the people in my life who have no fear of being confrontational; who always say exactly what they are thinking. They don’t shy away from bad things. They aren’t coy. If it’s bad, they don’t sugarcoat it. What he’s built for himself – at least for me – is a reputation to push things. I know from now on that if I go see an Aja movie, he wants to take me places that are horrible, that I don’t want to know, that I don’t want to see. And that’s a great reputation. ‘High Tension’ did this even better. You could just feel that, whenever something bloody started happening, you didn’t know how far it was going to go. You didn’t know how long Aja would make you watch. He doesn’t go by that Hollywood pace of, ya know, squirt-of-blood-then-cut-away. He usually makes the deaths long and messy. Because sometimes… people just don’t die immediately.

Still, when it comes to a horror movie, this only takes you so far. There is no terror here. There is plenty of gross out. There is plenty of gut-wrenchingness. But there is no terror.

I woke up today and at 9:30 in the a.m. watched the new version of “The Fog”. Any normal person wouldn’t wake up and immediately start watching a horror movie, right? But I’ll allow that there are many horror fans who would. But even amongst them, how many would be excited enough about the remake of The Fog to pop it in as their way of greeting the day? Not many, I hope. Because The Fog is actually worse than the original.

In case I haven’t properly explained my stance on remakes, here it is in a nutshell: the only movies that should be remade are the bad ones. Remake The Amityville Horror? Great! The original is terrible. Remake Psycho? Um… no. The original is about as perfect as you can make it. Given this parameter, the original “The Fog” was ripe for a remake. It’s a cool premise with a stultifying execution.

The whole mentality of these remakes is to turn a quick buck on moldy scares. And it don’t get much moldier than “The Fog”. The idea is good and spooky – a ship full of ghosts comes to shore for revenge – but the delivery is all wrong. Really… going into the movie, if you’ve ever seen a scary movie before, the set up of this one tells you that there’s something bad in the fog, right? But we’re a full 71 minutes in before enough has happened that someone can actually say “There’s something in the fog!” No, really? It’s almost as if this were a shot by shot remake, as if the original was something to be revered. Why? With a premise as fertile as this one, why was I never scared?

I think it’s because the filmmakers overestimated their horror. This new version moves as slowly as the original, but this time we already know all the secrets. And the CGI fog and ghosts make everything a lot less scary. So the movie becomes really boring really fast. It’s a shame. The original could’ve really been improved upon if anyone had had the guts to really rework this material.

But check it – after wasting my morning watching this, do I still want to see the remake of When a Stranger Calls?

Yes. Yes I do. Because I am a horrorholic.