This review was written as a part of the Final Girl Film Club

[WARNING: I would say this review contains SPOILERS - I pretty much take you through the whole thing - but if you've already read the title of the movie, than there's nothing much to spoil, so...]

This week, Final Girl picked ‘The Devil’s Daughter’, a made-for-TV movie from 1973. Now I don’t remember watching made-for-TV movies in 1973, but then I wasn’t alive, which places me just outside the desired demographic. So I read up on ‘em.

In the early 60s, made-for-TV movies were introduced to television audiences. There had been movies on TV before, of course – even made especially for it. But it was these made-for-TV movies that were specifically sold as being just like the movies you’d see in the theater, except that you could watch them in the comfort of your own home. At one time, these were prestige pieces. And to make the made-for-TV movies as much like Hollywood movies as possible, they were modeled on other, successful movies and ripped off for all they were worth.

‘The Devil’s Daughter’, for instance, is a rip-off of – or “In the tradition of” – ‘Rosemary’s Baby’. The twist with ‘Daughter’ is sort of the idea that Rosemary’s baby is all grown up. Somehow Rosemary was able to keep the Devil away until her daughter’s 21st birthday, but now all bets are off. When the Devil (on crutches) and his goons visit mom to collect, she pulls a gun and fires, missing the Devil so hard that she actually shoots herself. Does it sound dumb? It’s actually not. It was a simple moment and a solid opening.

After a James Bond-ish credit sequence (revealing that one of the ‘Guest Stars’ would be Joseph Cotton!!!), we’re at mom’s funeral, where Devil’s daughter Diane (Belinda Montgomery) meets Lillith (Shelley Winters), an old friend of her mom’s, who manages to bring Diane home with her and her mute chauffer/companion (Jonathan Frid). Tellingly, Lillith only shows up after the funeral, missing the religious ceremony. They drive away as a worried priest looks on.

At Lillith’s house, there’s a painting of Satan over the fireplace.

In case you’d missed the disapproving looks from the priest, or the entire set up about the Devil being after Diane, or the entry in your TV Guide, this clue is what really puts the idea over that Lillith might not be on the up and up. My folks had a painting of Jesus on a path with some disciples over their hearth. Me and the wife have a Pixies poster over ours. But even my most adventurous friends have never put a painting of Satan anywhere. Even in the bathroom.

Diane ends up staying at Lillith’s house and the weird junk starts happening – bad dreams, a weird ring with a symbol that appears in the Devil painting, friends drop by and ask “Have you told her?” This might all add an eerie sense of tension if it wasn’t obvious where the story is headed, but it makes the movie feel slow as tar.

Then the next act break comes – Diane finds a book with that same Devil symbol on it and inside are photos of her growing up. It’s slightly odd to find such a thing, but if you already bought into the idea that Lillith and her mom were old friends, it’s not completely impossible. So, as a twist, it’s not much of one, robbed of its thunder also by the fact that there’s no question where this is all going.

Soon enough, the worried priest sends Diane to a young lady looking for a roommate – doing what he can to get Diane away from Lillith. Interesting that he never really comes out and just says “Hey, Lillith and the Devil are BFFs. Get out.” Diane leaves to the protests of Lillith and moves in with horse-lover Susan. Diane has more dreams, which start to come true. She tells Susan she’s had a bad dream about her getting hurt.

Then Lillith throws a party for Diane, at which the partygoers (including Abe Vigoda(!), who is great, but only gets one exclamation point) reveal to Diane that she is the Devil’s daughter. Surprise! Just half an hour left and we’ve finally caught up to the title.

Diane flees the party.

The next day, Diane goes to Judge Weatherby (Joseph Cotton(!!!)) to see about her mother’s estate. She has some money coming to her from a trust fund set up by HER FATHER (Duh-duh-DUH!). She tells the Judge about the Devil’s party and he says “Well you have to believe in something for it to be real, isn’t that correct?” And I thought “Well, not really.” I mean, I don’t actively believe that aliens are real, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t. For the sake of argument, though, Diane says “yes”. Then he makes her sign something, which is probably the contract for her immortal soul.

Back at her place, in a common and true-to-life scenario, a guy nearly runs over Diane with a mattress.

He gets angry with her for some reason and then… that scene is over. It’s kind of brilliant in its own way and one of the better reasons to rent the movie in the first place. If you don’t end up rewinding at least a couple times on that one, then I don’t know what.

Diane enters her apartment to find that it is filled with the Devil’s goons. They chant things like “The demon of Endor!” (Really? Like, Ewoks?) and tell her she’s the Princess of Darkness. But she kicks them to the curb.

Later she meets The Mattress Guy – Steve (Robert Foxworth) – who is going on a date with horse-lover turned man-lover Susan. He apologizes for the mattress-ramming incident and Diane accepts. Later Diane wakes up screaming and gets a call from Steve – Susan is dead from a horse-related injury. Then Diane finds Susan’s glass menagerie of horses smashed to bits. Steve tries to calm her down and comes on with an awesome line about “Maybe two mice broke them, fighting over them. I’m sure there are plenty of mice willing to do battle over a… pretty lady like yourself.” Wow. And she smiles! What a player. “So let’s drop this whole discussion and go to a movie.” She says, “That sounds like a great idea.”

Meanwhile, Susan’s corpse has yet to cool. Thanks for taking a second to mourn, guys!

After more pressure from Lillith to accept the Princess of Darkness thing, Steve suggests they should go to his mom’s for the weekend (how romantic) where they share tender moments on the shore and totally fall in love. Shortly after, Diane asks Judge Joseph Cotton(!!!) to give her away at the wedding – because she’s totally getting married. This is when I realize we haven’t seen the judge move around too much. Could it be because he requires CRUTCHES??!?!!!??!!??!?

???

Later, she can’t find Steve, but she can find a Satan-brand cigarette in her ashtray.

Then she gets a call from the Judge – he fell down a flight of stairs, but he’ll be ready to walk her down the aisle the next day, no worries! Diane suspects foul play in the Judge’s accident, and goes to Lillith’s to bitch out the Devil’s minions for messin’ around. She says if anyone interferes in her life or her marriage, she will crush them. Then she throws a drink at Satan’s portrait.

Take that, Dad.

At the church the next day, as Diane prepares for her wedding, the door opens and, as we saw at the beginning, feet on crutches come through – it’s the Judge! He walks her down the aisle of the emptiest church ever. She and Steve make googly eyes at each other, exchange vows, rings, and a kiss. And when they turn – everyone Diane knows is gathered in the church in black robes, except for the Judge, whose crutches rest against a pew. She looks to Steve for solace – but he’s got glowy eyes! For some reason! Then Judge Satan appears behind them – with hooved feet! Explaining the crutches!! Somewhat!!!

‘The Devil’s Daughter’ isn’t so bad, though it reveals its hand way too early and sort of serves to remind how good ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ is and why. There’s nothing slouchy about the acting – Shelley Winters is the life of the party – and absolutely nothing timeless about the movie. It has aged with amazing un-grace. Even the DVD transfer is 1973-crappy.

So, in all, I say – rent it.