I saw 40 movies that were released this year. 40. Of about 300 or so. Yeah. It’s sad. There are probably spoilers here, so if you have a problem with spoilers, then stop reading, you big baby.

But anyway, here they are, in convenient list form, from worst to best.

‘Eagle vs. Shark’ – I could hear this movie flailing around on the rocky bottom of indie comedy for the entire running time. Basically “Napoleon Dynamite”, but with accents, meaner characters and worse dialogue. Which makes it worse than…

‘Epic Movie’ – Another parody movie that isn’t a parody. It’s more like a medley of remakes with fart jokes instead of, I don’t know, imagination? Which makes it worse than…

‘Dead Silence’ – Poorly cast, poorly written, poorly executed. Creepy dolls didn’t creep me out at all. Still, the nursery rhyme and the crime scene photos were good. That’s literally all that’s good about it. Which makes it worse than…

‘The Messengers’ – Which had a good look to it and stars Kristin Stewart, which is always a good move. But she’s completely wasted. And the CGI – so boring. CGI is just completely, utterly boring in horror movies. And the little kid in the movie – like dead air. Really, if you have no budget, at least go heavy on the casting. Go the extra mile. Plus, of course, this is a remake. Which makes it worse than…

‘Colour Me Kubrick’ – This movie at least had John Malkovich in it. A terrible, strident movie. Tons of energy just exploding all over the place, but none of it ever hitting home. And the whole premise is pretty confused by the fact that the lead actor passing himself off as the mildly famous Stanley Kubrick looks EXACTLY like the much more famous John Malkovich (FYI – I judge fame on the mom ‘n dad scale of recognizability), which makes it worse than…

‘Alpha Dog’ – JT gets his thesp on, Sharon Stone is in a fat suit, and the plot is definitely interesting. But this is one of those attitude for attitude’s sake type of movies. It’s a true story. Great. Once you get through that ending, you wonder if any of it was worth sitting through. Which makes it worse than…

‘Blades of Glory’ – There were a few chuckles to be had here, most of them coming from Ferrell’s good timing. Still, that timing is starting to feel pretty shopworn. As are these plots, which look like they’ll continue with ‘Semi-Pro’. Great. Which makes it worse than…

‘Spider-man 3′ – There’s some of the old Sam Raimi flair here, and that’s good! But he bungled the multi-villain thing like a Batman Forever with ADD, and that’s bad. Plus, that terrible ending. Spider-man could’ve gotten to a hospital in, like, 20 seconds. Dumb, fake, and hollow. Which makes it worse than…

‘The Host’ – I still don’t know why everyone went crazy over this movie. Engaging characters at the beginning, but it sure slogs on and on and on into a conclusion that suddenly goes from crowd-pleasing monster movie to total downer. Which makes it worse than…

‘Transformers’ – The studios spent a lot of money to impress me, which makes me feel pretty special. It would’ve impressed me more if this movie was good, but it certainly was fun to look at. I don’t hate Shia LeBeouf, though, and it seems like everyone does, now. Still, the ending is about as stupid as anything you’ve ever seen, which makes it worse than…

‘Smokin’ Aces’ – Kudos for all the interesting twists in the characters and for even going through the logistics of making that movie happen. But don’t ask me anything that happened in the movie because at this point, I don’t remember. Ryan Reynolds and Common were in it, though. I saw them for a second. Another high energy cast-a-ganza shoot-em-up. Which makes it worse than…

‘Stomp the Yard’ – Columbus Short is great and it’s much more fun to watch people violently dance than gracefully dance. In a movie, anyway. But it failed for me mainly because the emotions seemed outsized compared to the subject matter. I’ve just never felt passionately about something that is routinely called a “routine”, which makes this worse than…

‘Vacancy’ – Which stars Kate Beckinsale. Also, the build of the movie is pretty darn solid, all things told. Nice and simple. Compact. I’m a sucker for that kind of set up. Frank Whaley is pretty creepy, too. But things peter out, as they always seem to in these movies – you know how it is, the set up is great, the pay off is just running and yelling. Which makes it worse than…

‘Black Snake Moan’ – This was exactly what I thought it would be in a good way. Obviously the face of it is designed to provoke to the point of comedy. Plus it’s great to see Sam Jackson play something other than a completely in control action prone quip factory. But at the same time the whole thing feels cartoony. And considering what Ricci’s character has at stake, that really robs this movie of it’s heft. Heft, I say! Which makes it worse than…

‘Disturbia’ – An updated ‘Rear Window’. Again, I dig Shia and there was some good suspense. But there’s definitely nothing resonating here – it’s exactly what it looks like and no more. Which makes it worse than…

‘Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer’ – Super hero action done pretty good, though this time the grip on the characters slipped. Things seem important one second, goofy the next. Plus, it’s kind of a huge story to fit into two hours, which maybe robs it of some emotion and makes it worse than…

’300′ – Great visuals, of course. Just stunning. And some pretty effective moments. But then, I read the comic and it’s hard to give much credit to a movie that made you feel exactly like the original text it came from. It’s a really, really good rip off. Which makes it worse than…

‘Halloween’ – Say what you will about backstory being bad for a horror movie, and I will say “Oh, come on.” This franchise is 9 movies deep, people. At least this sequel gave us something to watch. And I really really like that last little bit at the end between Laurie and Michael. Still, the set pieces are so plain jane and the cast is full of holes, which leaves us with nothing by the end, which makes it worse than…

‘Fay Grim’ – The jury in my head is still half out on this movie. I feel like I haven’t watched a Hal Hartley movie since ‘Henry Fool’ (although, sadly, I have – ‘The Girl from Monday’), so this was a pretty amazing follow up. Just completely bizarre and unexpected. This is the Hal I know and love! Though it does drag on a bit, doesn’t it? Which makes it worse than…

‘Paris, Je t’aime’ – Some great work here, stuff that will prove to you a short doesn’t just have to be funny to be effective. Unfortunately there is also some serious dreck, which makes it worse than…

‘The Lookout’ – A smart and contained suspense story pretty much filled to the brim with good acting. Still, this plot feels rote and there’s just no acting around that. Which makes it worse than…

‘Hot Fuzz’ – A seriously ambitious action parody (take note, ‘Epic Movie’). If you’re well versed in American action films, you will get a lot out of this. But then American action movies tend to be parodies of themselves these days, which steals some of ‘Fuzz’s thunder and makes it worse than…

‘The Kingdom’ – Really great cast, some interesting nuggets here and there. But man, that ending just felt so lazy to me. Which makes it worse than…

‘Superbad’ – These movies out of the Apatow camp have the look of 80′s sex comedies but with heart and smarts. Smearts. And it works for me. Still, the Seth character, while full of funny moments, becomes grating to the point of kindling a blind hatred from me and the wife, which just throws everything off the tracks and makes this worse than…

’1408′ – The first half an hour of this movie was stunningly scary. Deep in the mind kinds of scares. Lizard brain scares. But things fly off the rails after that and the ending ruins everything. I haven’t seen an ending ruin that much promise since ‘What Lies Beneath’. Which makes it worse than…

‘Bourne Ultimatum’ – Everybody’s right – as action movies go, this is one of the best, if only because it’s so distinct. Still, when I think back on it, I have trouble separating it from the second one. Or was that the first one? Which makes it worse than…

’28 Weeks Later’ – What a surprise – a sequel that was obviously worth making. Not a retread, but an expansion in just about every possible way. Even emotionally. I’m seriously serious. But this still doesn’t quite connect like the first one. It’s not exactly a breath of fresh air. Which makes it worse than…

‘Eastern Promises’ – what a great, simple story. Just completely new and fresh, to me at least. And everybody is in top condition – they’d have to be with all the nude killing and whatnot. Still, I felt like it could’ve pushed it further, emotionally, which makes it worse than…

‘Grindhouse’ – This one gave me the biggest range of highs and lows of any movie I’ve seen all year. It swings so far from awful to fantastic that it’s hard to figure a reason to keep this out of the top ten. Still, there isn’t an emotional hook to hang anything on, which makes it worse than…

’3:10 to Yuma’ – A good, solid western with a core about a father trying to be good role model to his son. But Crowe can get pretty hammy and not in a good way, which makes this worse than…

‘Juno’ – I hate that folks are comparing this to ‘Little Miss Sunshine’, because I like ‘Juno’. Fantastic cast, sharp writing. A good, entertaining movie. In league with the best John Hughes movies, I think, though otherwise having little in common with his stuff. Still, the dialogue wears out its welcome by the end and our hero has so many one-liners it’s sometimes hard to feel bad for her. Which makes it worse than…

‘Rescue Dawn’ – It has the emotion and an amazing story to tell, but it wraps up in such a non-chalant way it loses some points. “Scratch where it itches?” You gotta love Herzog. But this is worse than…

‘Ratatouille’ – Another great one from Pixar – a great cast, great animation and an involving story. Man I hope they continue to make movies until my kids are grown. But these aren’t classic characters, really. ‘Beauty and the Beast’ doesn’t have anything to worry about (though ‘Cars’ is getting buried a little more), which makes it worse than…

‘Knocked Up’ – Remember what I said about ‘smeart’? This has smeart up the wahzoo. Somehow all the ad-libbing works here. It never grates. And I love the two characters at the center and I hope things work out.

‘Pretty in the Face’ – Another great example, sandwiched in here betweenst big money big town big shots, of how a small story can work in big ways. Is this out on DVD yet? I don’t know. But this is about as terrific a movie as you could hope to see. Seek it out!

‘No Country for Old Men’ – Yep, it sure is good and it gives you more than a little to think about. This is where the movies that I liked and/or loved every single frame begin. This is great and it’s only number four because it’s a rip-off. Which makes it worse than…

‘The Darjeeling Limited’ – Smaller and tighter Wes Anderson. It suits him well. And the tracking shot through the train cars is one of my favorite things in movies ever. But at the end it feels too small, by a narrow margin. Which makes it worse than…

‘Zodiac’ – Fincher said he wanted this to be the last serial killer movie. He may have succeeded. This movie is certainly warmer than some of Fincher’s other stuff, character-wise, but it doesn’t even come close to putting you inside the brain of a character like…

‘There Will Be Blood’ – The only movie I’ve really obsessed over from the moment I first saw it. The best movie of the year. You could read every frame like a book. And at the same time it doesn’t feel fussed over. It still feels loose. Can’t wait to see it again.

‘Hot Rod’ – In its own category – 2007′s Film of Films – is where I put ‘Hot Rod’. You know how people watched ’2001′ and walked out with their minds blown and some even thought they hated it, but then upon seeing it again realized it was about 20 years ahead of its time and that, in fact, they loved it? Well, I don’t know if that’s how Danny McBride felt about ’2001′ or not, but I laughed myself sick watching ‘Hot Rod’ and so that stain on my carpet is his fault.

Honorable Mention – I finally saw ‘Cocaine Angel’ and even though it was a 2006 release, it has really stuck with me and not mentioning it would be a disservice to people with eyeballs everywhere.