Watched “Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning” a few nights ago. I was spurred by good word of mouth from FX extraordinaire Chris Alexander. His review of it wasn’t glowing, necessarily, but he seemed pleasantly surprised by what he saw. Plus, he said he was surprised how much gore made it to the screen. Coming from a guy whose job it is to engineer fake bloody death, that’s high praise. I was intrigued.

So I rented and I watched. And sure enough, it wasn’t as bad as it looked. I mean, look at that poster. It’s all fake-degraded and fake-dirty and fake-bloody. Nothing new, nothing different, nothing dangerous. This look has become so fashionable, I half expect people to decorate their homes like this now.

I’m saying that the movie did not look promising. The title alone should cause most people to keep one hand on their wallets for fear Michael Bay might sneak up and snatch ‘em.

Most people. Not me.

So there I am, renting… watching…

The movie isn’t scary, but it is diverting. It’s pretty lean at 84 minutes and chock full of action. And that’s something to consider: not unlike many “horror” movies lately, TCM:TB is more a dark action movie than a horror movie. Lots of running, fast driving, a couple of car wrecks and even more gunplay than you would normally find in a splatter flick. The action ain’t half bad, but the horror dies an ugly one. R. Lee Ermey can act as crazy as he wants to, Leatherface can cut the skin off anything he likes, but this is not a scary idea anymore. What was so scary to me about the first TCM was watching the descent into insanity, seeing how crazy this family really gets. But once you’ve seen the cannibal feast at the end of the original, what’s going to top that?

TCM:TB’s answer: the exact same thing.

I don’t think the filmmakers were fooling themselves. They knew what they were working with. So they got together a right pretty cast (you can do a lot worse than Jordana Brewster) and made sure the pace was lightning quick. So what if they have to do the same mask gag? So what if they gotta tie the final girl to a chair at the dinner table again? They’d crank up the volume and make it so fast you don’t have time to think.

There are bits that warranted a few more minutes of screen time, though, like seeing Leatherface process his dad’s words “Meat is meat and bone is bone.” (which would’ve been a great tagline for the poster, replacing the pretentious “Witness the Birth of Fear”). There is something genuinely interesting in the fact that at this stage of the game, this behemoth has no interest in hurting people. Just this sliver of story had me wondering – what was development like on this movie? Did anyone raise the possibility of doing something different? As cynical as I like to think I am, I’m surprised a crew as resourceful as this one would produce something so feverishly rote. They had a budget of $16 million! They could very well do anything they dreamed of – providing, of course, that it involved the chainsawing of a few victims, of course.

Instead – as factories are wont to do – they made what worked before with a minimum of tinkering.

The punchline? They were right. Or at least, they weren’t wrong – TCM:TB made $50mil worldwide.

—

Also, I think it has now officially become funnier to NOT have seen “Borat”. Besides the fact that several co-workers now bizarrely exclaim “Is nice!” at every opportunity, I read an article this morning about Sacha Baron Cohen being sued again that starts off “Wa wa wee wa, is Borat in trouble again?” I mean… WHAT THE CRAP DOES THAT MEAN? Ha! Is nice.

Sitting at home on a sick/work-at-home/snow day, I turn on the TV and find old friends all over the Sundance Channel. Dave Green and Craig Zobel both have movies at Sundance this year – “Snow Angels” and “Great World of Sound”, respectively.

And just when I thought that was all, I see that Marco Williams is showing his doc, Banished: How Whites Drove Blacks Out of Town in America, as well.

And so it got me to thinking about what I’m looking forward to this year. Is it possible to guesstimate how good a year it will be in the movie theater? Who cares? This ain’t a weather report, it’s a crappy blog.

Therefore, here are the 10 best movies of 2007:

Snow Angels
Halloween
Great World of Sound
There Will Be Blood
Hot Rod
Banished
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Grindhouse
Fay Grim
Fido
My Blueberry Nights
30 Days of Night

10 movies so good, there are actually 12 movies on the list.

—

Also, after watching the Lie Free or Die Hard trailer, realized that when K and I were in LA at the end of October, we actually saw them filming the big stunt centerpiece (all those crashing cars and the helicopter). If you haven’t been to LA on a Sunday… holy crap is it dead. And obviously a fantastic place to shoot a gigantic pile up.

Funny? Not funny?

This in response to whatever b.s. is going on with Ain’t It Cool News getting its grimey, Snickers-covered hands on a script of the Halloween remake and declaring that it’s no good, then another blogger at Movies Online posting this:

“Halloween has gone through the ringer in the last few days as a bunch of blogs run news that the new film is not true to the original. I think that is a blogs job. I think people should speak their minds, put filmmakers on the spot and more importantly help mold filmmaking.”

Um… WRONG. Wow, is that wrong. Mind-shatteringly wrong. But I have a feeling plenty of bloggers believe this to be true and their numbers will increase incremently with the release of movies like ‘Snakes on a Plane’. But it’s time to remind ourselves that great movies were made, arguably, for close to a century without the aid of the all-knowing blogger.

It is in this spirit that I offer up this shirt, inspired by words from Final Girl, on the same subject.

If you like it, then don’t hesitate – appreciate.

—

Thank God for Tina Fey.

Hi, people of New York City. It is time to check out Abduction: The Megumi Yokota Story next weekend.

There is an exclusive engagement for one week only at

Cinema Village
22 East 12th Street, NYC
www.cinemavillage.com

For tickets or info call (212) 924-3363

Directors Patty Kim and Chris Sheridan will be on hand for a Q&A on opening weekend.

ABDUCTION tells the astonishing story of a 13-year-old Japanese girl abducted by North Korean spies in 1977 and her parents’ decades-long hunt to find her. A powerful human drama, ABDUCTION points to one of today’s most talked-about and most emotionally-charged political crises in East Asia.

Largely unknown to Americans, the abduction issue is one of the major untold stories behind Japan and North Korea’s current tense relations and a key factor affecting nuclear talks. Using the bold signature of true-crime style, rarely-seen footage and exceptional access, the filmmakers weave an extraordinary tale of espionage and love.

Do not miss your chance to see this film! It’s in my top five of the year, New York City! Do you hear me? Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you!

Really, though, this is an excellent example of how to put a doc together, especially when your resources are limited. Also, try to get there over the weekend and hear about how Patty and Chris put this thing together. It’s a remarkable tale.

The movie is also heartily endorsed by

• Variety (“…sounds and fascinates like an exceptional episode of a true-crime TV series.”)
• Slant Magazine (“Abduction pushes poignant buttons… with a deftly understated, devastating touch.”)
• NPR (“Riveting!”)
• CNN (“Terrific!”)
• The Los Angeles Times (“Spine-tingling!”)
• and the Washington Post (“Gut-wrenching!”)

And guess what – not a word of that is hyperbole. Have I made my point? Awesome. Go check it out.

Hey, look! I finished the new treatment and sent it off a couple days ahead of schedule! Look at me and how disciplined I am!

Solid week of earned procrastination, here I come.

Thinking through what I saw this year and thought it would be interesting to put these in some kinda order, take a look at what I was trying to enjoy over the last 12 months.

So here’s what I saw, ranked in order of goodness (1 being the best):

1 – Inside Man
2 – The Departed
3 – Final Destination 3
4 – Abduction: The Megumi Yokota Story
5 – The Prestige
6 – Casino Royle
7 – Miami Vice
8 – V for Vendetta
9 – Dave Chappelle’s Block Party
10 – Slither
11 – 16 Blocks
12 – Mission: Impossible III
13 – The Hills Have Eyes
14 – Clerks II
15 – The Break-Up
16 – Superman Returns
17 – Dreamgirls
18 – Little Miss Sunshine
19 – Marie Antoinette
20 – Running Scared
21 – The Descent
22 – Hostel
23 – An Inconvenient Truth
24 – When A Stranger Calls
25 – Stay Alive
26 – Pulse
27 – Lucky Number Slevin
28 – Underworld: Evolution
29 – The Lake House
30 – X-Men: The Last Stand
31 – Date Movie

Huh. Turns out it’s not that interesting after all.

Edit: Here are my thoughts on this list, as suggested by Heath.

Well… most of that list is based on a general feeling. But let’s see. Starting at the bottom:

“Date Movie” is built on boring, recycled humor. This isn’t even parody anymore. Disappointing since there’s plenty of parody to be had in romantic comedies and doubly frustrating when you think that people are lucky enough to actually get PAID to do this, which makes it worse than…

“X-Men: The Last Stand”, which had good actors and couple of clever lines, but was really flabby and dumb, which makes it worse than…

“The Lake House”, which had an interesting supernatural element to it and played that gambit for what it was worth, but was also very predictable and overdone, which makes it worse than…

“Underworld: Evolution”, which had all the cool action and the vampire vs. werewolf thing still going for it and, of course, Kate. But I could barely remember what it was about 5 minutes after it was over and there was no real build through the whole thing which makes it worse than…

“Lucky Number Slevin”, which has tons of great dialogue and a really fun Lucy Liu performance, but is way too clever for its own good and is about 10 years too late to be relevant, which makes it worse than…

“Pulse”, which has Kristin “Veronica Mars” Bell… and that’s about it, which makes it worse than…

“Stay Alive”, which has a good premise and the good sense to not slow down and let you figure out how dumb it is. But it IS dumb and you figure that out pretty quick afterward, which makes it worse than…

“When a Stranger Calls”, which also has a great premise and even has a couple of good moments, but the big punchline is known by just about anybody who ever heard an urban legend and so… there’s not much guesswork for the viewer here, which makes it worse than…

“An Inconvenient Truth”, which has tons of great info, but is so sloppily put together that it becomes difficult to stay awake, which makes it worse than…

“Hostel”, which has some good suspense and a few clever sequences, but the characters aren’t sympathetic and rooting for someone to be tortured to death… just ain’t my thing, which makes it worse than…

“The Descent”, which really keeps the suspense cranked for longer than you could realistically hope, but deflates after a few of those chaotic, quick cut attacks. And that terrible ending. Ugh. Which makes it worse than…

“Running Scared”, which gets by mainly because it is so ambitiously ridiculous and, at the same time, takes itself so seriously. And Paul Walker… is actually not bad! But it’s also got that soulessness that leaves you empty in the “emotional” bits, which makes it worse than…

“Marie Antoinette”, which has a great take on a great subject matter, but becomes… thin? Shrill? Self-consciously anachronistic? Which makes it worse than…

“Little Miss Sunshine”, which has a serious turn from Steve Carrell and an overall fun feel, but I felt like I could see the screenplay behind it. I could just feel the set ups and the arcs. Plus so many jokes were just moldy (dead body in family car? National Lampoon’s Vacation. Big dance finale? Napoleon Dynamite.) Which makes it worse than…

“Dreamgirls”, which has a great performance by Eddie Murphy and some really exciting numbers, but falls victim to break-into-song ridiculousness, which makes it worse than…

“Superman Returns”, because Bryan Singer handles the emotion really well and a Superman movie needs to have that kind of sincerity, but man it was long and directionless, which makes it worse than…

“The Break-Up”, which is your basic romantic comedy with a little more sting, but it’s not such a great ride and there’s nothing about it that really stayed with me, which makes it worse than…

“Clerks II”, which has stayed with me against all odds, mainly because of Rosario Dawson performance and Kevin Smith’s perverted sweetness. But a lot of the jokes are older than crap (Star Wars vs. Lord of the Rings? Ha… ha?), which makes it worse than…

“The Hills Have Eyes”, which just has a real gutsy (no pun intended) attack scene that puts the screws to you as a viewer and just holds it in front of your face until you can’t damn well stand it anymore, setting up everything that is to come. But it all devolves into a red stain on the highway that never reaches that same height, which makes it worse than…

“Mission: Impossible III”, which is a really good mix of action and emotion . Plus, I love the way it hits the ground running. And then there’s Hoffmann, which never hurts. But there were certain threadbare places where you could see the movie trying to prove it was still worthy, which makes it worse than…

“16 Blocks”, which has a great premise and nice shaggy dog pace about it that I really enjoyed. But Mos Def’s accent was grating like nails and there wasn’t anything here that hadn’t been more surprising before, which made it worse than…

“Slither”, which has Nathan Fillion, who is always great, and a good old fashioned monster movie story. But it doesn’t really cut out it’s own niche in the monster movie landscape. Instead, it makes the old monster movie ideas a little slicker. Which makes it worse than…

“Dave Chappelle’s Block Party”, which was one of the funnier movies I saw this year, plus it had some great music. As music docs go, easily one of the best. But then… my interest did flag toward the end and there’s no great build once the Fugees are done (who weren’t… really.. spectacular), which makes it worse than…

“V for Vendetta”, which was a real thinky, talky bit of big budget moviemaking with an added dash of “man, I wish that would happen here” thrown in. But then again, man was it freakin’ talky, which makes it worse than…

“Miami Vice”, which set out to be way cool and did so like gangbusters. Also, it was told in that nearly impenetrable Michael Mann way that makes the simplest plot twists almost missable. Sue me, I like that. Makes me feel smart. But the action… where was the action? Which makes it worse than…

“Casino Royale”, which had plenty of action. And some of the best chase/fight sequences I’ve seen in a while. Craig is great (hear, hear!) and, hey… there’s actual some emotional involvement here. But the end kinda peters out as the villian you know gets killed early and the one you’ve sorta seen gets killed last, which makes it worse than…

“The Prestige”, which was this years gotta-see-it-again-to-figure-out-some-things movie, and I love that. Even if you figure out what’s going on, it reaches deep. But for much of the movie, you’re lulled into thinking that nothing interesting is going on at all, which makes it worse than…

“Abduction: The Megumi Yokota Story”, a documentary about Japanese people kidnapped in the 70s by North Korean spies-in-training. Almost doesn’t matter where you come into this movie, you’ll be in tears soon enough. Unfortunately (on so many levels), there’s not really a solid ending to this story, which makes it worse than…

“Final Destination 3″, a horror movie as fun and thrilling as you could hope for, that sort of makes fun of you for being afraid of death and then when you say “Okay, alright, I’m not so afraid of death.” acts all scared, like you jinxed yourself into dying. But it’s a short run time and wouldn’t it be cool if these movies had a little more character development? Which makes it worse than…

“The Departed”, which has tons of character and tons of characters, covers the spectrum of action and emotion, pulls a good performance out of DiCaprio (his best since Gilbert Grape?) and… I don’t know… is super awesome. But it suffers a bit from the “All the Stars in the Universe” feel, with real names in almost every role, which always makes me think more about the deals these actors cut to work with Scorsese than about what their characters are doing, which makes it worse than…

“Inside Man”, another movie that takes its time, but never talks down to you, never shows off it’s shiny roster of stars (because it doesn’t really have one). The acting is solid, Spike Lee brings out some of his old tricks (I always liked that actor-on-a-dolly thing, don’t know why), and in the end I felt like I’d been taken somewhere. My mind never shut off in this movie. It never was distracted or pulled away. It’s strong, confident movie-making. The best thing I saw this year.

And to answer Heath’s question, “The Lake House” is in the top 31 because I only saw 31 movies that were released this year.